Totally Not The Independent.

New Study Finds Aggressive Abolitionists Are Putting A Quarter Of Britons Off Giving Up Their Slaves.


Monday 7 August 1806.

Abolitionists have a hard time. They’re often portrayed as slave loving, holier than thou types who will berate people for even thinking about another human as if they’re property.

Most abolitionists don’t behave in this way however and indeed many abolitionists today will refer to themselves as living a “freedom based lifestyle” in order to distance themselves from unpleasant stereotypes and spare themselves from do-gooder derogation. It appears despite their attempts however that the extreme stance of some abolitionists is putting many current slave owners off the idea of giving up their slaves.

It seems, at least according to one new study, that slave owners are digging their heels in over what is a pretty clear issue and refusing to attempt to give up their slaves due to “the unpleasant attitudes of certain abolitionists.”

The study quizzed the slave owners as to why they felt discouraged to give up their slaves. Among the top responses were: “the abolitionists were quite aggressive about their beliefs” (38 per cent) and “they consider their way of life to be the only way.”

Here are the five top reasons slave owners felt put off from abstaining from slave ownership:

  1. I just like owning slaves too much (82 per cent)
  2. It would be too costly to not own slaves (59 per cent)
  3. I just wouldn’t know what to do without them (51 per cent)
  4. My family own slaves and wouldn’t consider releasing theirs as well (42 per cent)
  5. The attitude of certain abolitionists has completely put me off the idea (27 per cent)

So whilst there are four factors in this list which pertain to the slave owners’ lack of compassion, sense of entitlement, ignorance, and general unwillingness to do good unless everyone holds hands and does it together to make it feel less weird, there is at least one factor which pertains to the behaviour of abolitionists. I’m going to ignore the four points pertaining to slave owners and focus entirely on the one point pertaining to abolitionists.

26 per cent of the slave owning respondents confessed that they had been lectured and guilted about their treating other human beings as property. One man reported feeling deeply offended when he was told that he “couldn’t possibly proclaim to love his slaves while owning them and mistreating them.” While initially distraught over the realisation that love and ownership are mutually exclusive he reported that he “soon got over it thanks to compartmentalisation.”

In spite of what this study has found, more and more Britons are deciding to abstain from owning slaves. Research has indicated that the number of abolitionists in the UK has risen consistently over the past decade. It’s almost as if it’s the right thing to do regardless of how some abolitionists behave. This makes this wild and wacky new lifestyle choice the fastest growing lifestyle movement in the UK.

If this new study is anything to go by the adoption of such a lifestyle could rapidly accelerate if the abolitionists who are so outspoken would just shut up and relax their attitudes a bit. It definitely won’t accelerate by means of us taking responsibility for our actions though. The problem is them, not us. We promise we would totally change if you all just stayed silent. Like, we totally pinky swear on our lives.